Who Can? Brian Moran! The Brian Moran Life Story.

"When a rural goat farmer from Texas named Brian contacted me to edit her 'life story blog post', I was intrigued. I usually am tasked with much... different... writing jobs, but she had seemingly unlimited resources so I decided to take the job. Upon reading and decrypting her life story, I was baffled, distraught, laughed, cried, and prayed that this woman seeks the health of a professional instead of tasking strangers to depict her story. I will never be the same writer I was before. This is probably the most disturbing thing I have ever written." -Suzanne Collins

Briana Moran was born on the very same goat farm where she lives today, in Rockspings, Texas to Brian and Maura Moran. Brian Moran, the senior iteration, was born in Boston to an Irish mob family in the 1960s, where the legacy of fathers and sons named Brian supposedly stretches back to the beginning of time. Maura (nee Cruise) was born in Clearwater, Florida to a Scientologist family. Both parents, though from very different backgrounds, were goat enthusiasts. Fate brought them together one day when they both attended the same livestock convention in Texas. After a whirlwind romance, the two decided to escape to rural central Texas where they founded a goat farm. In order to appease the Moran clan, the goat farm also launders money for the family business.

Brian and Maura have two children, Bryan and Briana, whom they homeschooled for many years. Each parent would often go on missions to promote Scientology or do the mob's dirty work, which they explained away to the kids as "military service". During these periods, aunt and uncle Moran would monitor the goat farm and fill in as homeschool teachers. One fateful day, Bryan "Yan" Moran kissed a goat on the lips, which was called out by the family as gay. At this point, the parents traveled home to discipline their children and move them into the cult compound where they could be more closely monitored. Briana, now 16, accepted. Bryan, 18, refused and was unceremoniously thrown out of the family for "the sin of Gay", and Briana was designated the family heir and her name was changed to Brian. 

Brian had a fondness for goats, cats, and horses growing up (though sadly never did have a horse) They of course grew up with lots of goats, and a black barn cat named after Elron. (L. Ron Hubbard?)  Between the ages of 16-21, Brian lived at the compound in Clearwater Florida with her parents. She would not tell me much about these years, and I was not able to do any if all research into her time there. All I can collect is that she endured hard labor, mental brainwashing, and did some kind of conversion therapy. Brian seems not to have come to terms with a lot of it. In 2019, Brian and a group of other homophobes heard about the "You Need to Calm Down" video shoot and went to protest with homophobic signs. Brian can be seen in the crowd in the video. Since Brian had little pop culture awareness, she did not know how famous Taylor was and had just thought it was a gaggle of gays.

However at the start of the COVID-19 lockdown in 2020, Brian caught covid and isolated herself at the family farmhouse. Surprisingly, the farm started running a lot more successfully under Brian's leadership, even while she was sick in bed. The Morans up in Boston realized the goat farm could be a source as income as well as a way to launder money. Additionally, Brian's parents needed a funnel of money to ascend ranks in the cult. It was decided; Brian would now permanently be in charge of the goat farm.

Upon settling back into Texas, Brian decided to convert to Catholic and embrace Jesus. She prefers this a lot more. She was confirmed in 2022. She also discovered and fell in love with Taylor Swift's music. In 2023, Brian committed a great act of rebellion and bought a computer and brought the internet to the farm for the first time ever. Up until then, she was not allowed to use the internet or social media at all, and had little knowledge of pop culture. She joined X in January 2024 in order to post about her love of Taylor and defend her heterosexuality. Brian was very disturbed at the discovery of gaylors. She also discovered a new love- iCarly. Her favorite episode is season 6 episode 2, "iGo One Direction", where band One Direction appears. It portrays Carly Shay's harrowing journey of manipulation and a braid of lies by Harry Styles-- who falsely extends his jungle worms illness in order to get Carly to take care of him. Brian commented that she had once been lied to just like Carly.

This spring we saw the birth of many goat kids. Brian 3 had Brian 4, Scott, and Donna. Carly had RandomDancing and iCarly. Miranda had Lubert. Bryan had Bridgit. Taylor had Cloe, Sam, Sophie, and Marcus.

In April 2024, Brian started dating Jim. Jim is a 36 year old goat farmer and neighbor of Brian. Their first date was Cracker Barrel, where Brian had Chicken Pot Pie that was supposedly too spicy and Jim yelled at the waitress for this fuck-up. That's when Brian knew that Jim was the one. Their second date was to see the movie Challengers, after which they met up with Jim's best friend Tim to recreate the viral threesome scene. Brian was not educated about safe sex, and unknowingly became pregnant. Kids, please educate yourselves... anyways... The next day a large hale cube tragically struck and killed little baby Marcus. 

There was a funeral for Marcus on May 12th, where a protest broke out. The protesters consisted of Anti-Sconnas (Sconna is the ship name of Scott Swift and Donna Kelce), Gaylors, Harry Styles stans, and agents of Northwood Space (Bridgit Mendler's company). The protesters stormed the funeral and kidnapped two little kids: iCarly and Sam. It was later revealed that Bridgit Mendler's mole infiltrated the Time Travel Police Department (or the TTPD) by tricking their Leader User. None of these words are in the bible. What did she mean here? Anyways, the TTPD is Brian's gang of idiots who like to speak in code. They hatched a plan to get the kids back, operation #SavetheKids. Brian and Jim made a promise to each other at Applebees. Jim would rescue the kids, and Brian would go steady with Jim. 

Jim and the Sheriff of the TTPD drove a tractor all the way from Texas to California. The last day before they invaded Northwood Space, they had a beach party to team build. This was the first #TTPDBeachParty. The next day, they overcame all of Bridgit's obstacles and rescued iCarly and Sam. They had another team member who had previously been captured by Bridgit, "ABMS", but they were unable to free them. Jim also recovered and ancient artifact and the Sheriff discovered evidence that Bridgit was interfering with #SCONNA's relationship. See blog post, "Operation #SaveTheKids". Bridgit jumped out of the window and proceeded to kidnap a human child and graduate from law school that very same day. Brian charged Bridgit with 34 felonies. Due to her hard work and dedication, Brian was named the deputy sheriff of the TTPD.

In the meantime, Brian set her good friend User up with Jim's best friend Tim. The two had some wild dates and grew attached quickly. Brian also adopted a white kitten and named it Xenu. The next operation was saving ABMS, the other captured team member, in #SaveABMS (blog post coming!). Brian and User rallied the troops and involved a lot more of their pesky friends in the hijinks this time. Brian and Jim came in on one tractor, while User rolled in with her assistant Prim, and her love interest Tim. The sheriff came in with Kim, her friend with benefits ;) The day before the mission, they had a blowout beach party on Venice Beach in LA. See blog post "#TTPDBeachParty". The party included karaoke, hacky sack, and a campfire singalong. At the end, User mysteriously VANISHED with Tim and Prim. Though this was troubling, they had to keep going.

The next day, they defied Bridgit's old obstacles along with new ones. They used Jim's ancient artifact and freed ABMS! Bridgit jumped out the window yet again but the TTPD had put nets under all the windows... had they caught Bridgit? Disappointment struck when they learned that User had been kidnapped by Bridgit and was being held in the basement of Harvard Law School by Prim and Tim, who were revealed to be Bridgit's moles! What they had captured was Bridgit's clone. Since Bridgit is quite evil well... the clone came out really nice.. and had a distinguishing feature: an eleventh toe. Bridgit demanded Jim, the clone's 11th toe, and the kid Bridgit in exchange for User. #saveuserUser (blog post one day?) Jim and Brian took a long tractor road trip from Texas to Cambridge, Massachusetts to turn Jim in. Jim agreed to secretly be the TTPD's mole, and is gathering important intel at the Harvard lair. See Jim's blurb.

On the way home from Harvard, User and Val insisted Brian take a pregnancy test which was... positive. Kids, PLEASE practice safe sex and be educated! Brian then had her birthday, #BriansBirthday, which was a lowkey, dry, day party at her farm. She received three new baby goats for her birthday: Freddi, Lil Jim, and Lil Tim. Recently, she has dedicated a lot of time to being the chief bridesmaid at User and Sheriff's wedding. She threw an iCarly themed bachelorette party for the Sheriff, see #TTPDBacheloretteParty on X. She also was a huge help at the #TTPDRoyalWedding and the #RollerRinkReception on X. Though she was caught in bed with a woman the next morning, #BriansGayMistake on X was just that, a mistake. She is straight and nothing like that will happen again.

Currently, Brian misses Jim a lot and wishes him the best for his mole duties. Bridgit's clone, minus one toe, lives at the farm with Brian. Brian has been craving a lot of chicken pot pie and goat cheese. Stay tuned for #BriansBaby on X!